There are no words to describe this state.
Melancholia, perhaps. Disappointment. Jealousy. Unwanted solitude. Alienation.
Worse case, maybe despair.


There are times when fingers of golden light spill onto earth through these great plates of clouds, and for a moment I truly believe heaven exists.

I want to be water. I want to be so dark and big and cold and endless. I want to support. I want to drown. I want to crush and hold in my body a whole ecosystem of mysteries.